But something happened last night that made me think about facing up to things we're frightened of. I think "facing ones fear" is a cost-benefit thing; on the one hand, there was the Reclaim the Night March that some of us briefly ran into last night after the TDOR vigil. I'm scared to go on this march, and I know lots of other trans women are. Ironically, I'm scared to go on it for a reason which may be very similar to the reason those women on the march did go on it...
When a woman walking home alone, in the darkness, she might encounter a man, or group of men walking along. These men probably intend the woman no harm at all, but quite a few men do intend harm, or at the very least, they intend to subject her to verbal and possibly physical harassment. Lots of women therefore treat all men as potentially suspect until proven otherwise out of simple self preservation. When hearing this, lots of men tend to protest - "But I'm not like that!", they'll say. Chances are they're not, but we don't know, and it pays to err on the side of caution, because erring the other way only has to go wrong once.
This is similar to how I, and I suspect many other trans women, feel around cis feminists, especially if they're involved in events which have a history of excluding trans women, or turning a blind eye towards those within their own ranks preaching hatred and exclusion of us, or sharing a platform with such people, or, as I understand has happened in the past, trans women have suffered violence at the hands of their "sisters" at such events.
I know, and associate with plenty of cis women feminists who are trans inclusive and work alongside us against discrimination and exclusion, but there are lots who seem to seriously hate our guts, and wish us harm. Such people have been, and continue to be associated with Reclaim the Night.
And I've heard the protestations, in past years and this time too, "not everyone there is like that! You're tarring us/them all with the same brush!". I've heard these protestations from cis women feminists, and from the odd trans woman brave enough to go on the march, "Nobody attacked me". Well that's fine - I've walked outside in the dark lots of times past men and not been attacked, but it happens, and once is once too often. The point is not that women like me would probably be OK on an RTN march, the point is that we don't feel safe.
I mentioned the cost/benefit thing earlier. There can be benefits to facing ones fear - I suffer a fear of heights, and in the past I've found this crippling. I also really like exploring cool places though, like the tops of mountains and deep canyons. This is incompatible with acrophobia, and I judged the benefits from facing my fear of heights and pushing through them to be worth the cost, which at times has equated to near blind panic. I'm much better now though, to the point where I can free fall 4 metres through the air from the top of a climbing wall before the rope catches me, and not even feel as though it's raised my heart rate, and that's good because I enjoy it.
With events like RTN though, I feel that the cost outweighs the benefits. Any sense of inclusion and solidarity I feel is only ever going to be tenuous and conditional at best, especially if it ends at a rally where people like Julie Bindel are speaking, which she has in recent years. Conditional acceptance and getting to listen to someone who would probably prefer that women like me didn't exist seems like a very poor payoff indeed for facing the sort of fear and heightened sense of anxiety that I normally reserve for walking home alone in the dark.
Originally posted at http://auntysarah.dreamwidth.org/21
- Mood:
amused
So, after our game at (the children of) Albion Rovers was delayed by half an hour because the referee got stuck in roadworks near Cumbernauld (I was at that game, and a friend texted me at quarter past three to ask if it was true that the game was delayed due to “crowd congestion”, as had been reported on Sky Sports News...), and our home game against Stranraer was postponed when the Stranraer team bus was caught behind a large lorry crash on the M8 outside Glasgow, yesterday was the third Berwick Rangers game to suffer from traffic problems (we’ve only played thirteen). It’s about time Alex Salmond spent a few billion on Scotland’s road network to ensure that vital Third Division games are unaffected…
The reason for the traffic delays on the northbound A90 were due to a woman being killed at three in the morning, and the Police wanting forensic information. But (whilst I understand the need for evidence) I’d have hoped the powers that be were getting diversions well advertised. Then again, we managed to close the northbound A90 a few years ago (writing off our car in a blizzard when a lorry full of “Chunky Chickens” careered into us). When Grampian Police (it was outside Stonehaven) got to the accident site, their main priority was to get us out of the way so that the traffic could get moving again (even though the car only had half a door). Long story. And my condolences to the family of the lady who died.
Only another three weeks until London finally gets a half hourly train service to Sheffield (change here for Crookes), due to the extension of an existing London – Derby service north. Which means East Midlands Trains have lots more seats to sell, so the cheapest tickets are coming down from £13 to a fiver. Could be tempted with a trip to London upon Thames in the New Year – not been down for at a couple of years (three?).
In other news, I’m not planning on leaving the house this weekend. Last weekend was a bit hectic, next weekend will be a celebration of all things
![[info]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/userinfo.gif){kind=small}
shullie. But the Crookes weather is minging enough to justify a mooch around the house. Mrs B is catching up on episodes of The Hairy Bikers on Topfield, which sounds like a perfect hangover morning. Except that I’m not. Since getting back from Gran Canaria the only booze I’ve had was on Halloween, so I’ve had a “dry” November (which wasn’t easy last Sunday, given the ale selection with lips_of_tragedy…). Given how unhealthy December is bound to be, this is my chance to try to be good.And talking of
lips_of_tragedy, this weekend I’m finally going to get Firefox sorted out (after our conversation). Been meaning to do it for months, just never got round to sorting out all the applications and the like. Not that I’m a complete luddite. Well, maybe.Lastly, one of the Conservative Party proposals announced in the week was a 25% cut in the administration costs of the Ministry of Defence. Which would normally sound like a good thing. Trouble is, that’s now part of my job (in an indirect way). Another reason not to vote blue? The strangest army announcement this week was the plan to withdraw the twenty five thousand British troops in Germany. There’s twenty five thousand army personnel in Germany? Over 60 years since the end of the Second World War? Bonkers. At a time when we’re crying out for troops in Afghanistan, I think it’s fair to say that we’re not expecting Germany to invade us any time soon(?), so why are they there?
- ZooBorns: 82 Tiny Baby Sea Turtles Make Lots of Little Waves Tiny = extra cute!
- ZooBorns: A Bird in Hand... is cute!
- Hippos vs a cheeky crocodile Which one is better? There's only one way to find out ... FIGHT!!!
- 私信 Slo-Mo Maru
- Andrew Zuckerman: Bird Excellent and well presented pictures of birds
- Fake Tree Vortex Threatens to Suck in Entire Backyard
- World's most awesome cheap Chinese toy Do want!
- Mandelbulb The Unravelling of the Real 3D Mandelbrot Fractal
- Origami Spring This is a fiddly looking papercraft project that looks like it might be worth a go
- How to debate a creationist Handy PDF booklet!
- A History of 16 Science Fiction Classics, Told In Book Covers Classic book covers from 1984 to The Day of the Triffids
- How to Use "i.e." Versus "e.g." - wikiHow
- Unwise Microwave Oven Experiments Check out Make your own lava
- The 18 Biggest Falsehoods In Palin's Book Nailing Palin's Porkies
Lets see here. I'm an aries who likes to take long fast bike rides through congested urban streets. I also love cyclocross and bike polo. It's not surprising that this is my third year working in a bicycle shop. I'm also working toward a degree in psychology. I like gnocchi... a lot.
I was male assigned at birth, but live as a female identified anarcha-artisto-feministy-type queer. I prefer female pronouns. I've been on hormones for a little over a year and a half. I'm out to everyone. I'm introverted, but have extroverted moments and love to be social. Luckily, I'm pretty consistently read as my identified gender.
I tend to be radical (ie promoting an ideology that is outside the current established system) with my views, especially on a lot of trans and queer issues. Sometimes my sentence structure and concise writing can come off a bit harsh, please call me out on it, because my intent is never malicious.
I go by both evie and ryan (it's a girls name too!)
Here is my question:
I have to go to my Grandfather's funeral on Monday. This will be the first funeral that I have been to in almost 8 years... so way before anyone knowing about trans stuff. Although all of my family knows, I am certain that most of my home town, including all of their friends, doesn't.
I'm conflicted on what to wear. I no longer own any clothing that would be male appropriate funeral attire. I don't even know what would be considered female appropriate funeral attire. Also most of the clothing that I own tends to be... well, Marla Singer bike messenger chic.
Does anyone have suggestions? What should I wear? Although my family hasn't said anything I feel like there is this unspoken expectation for me to present male. I really don't want to, plus at this point I don't think it would be a realistic option.
Although i don't feel like I owe it to them to look a certain way, I think it's sort of crappy to just show up, surprise the hell out of about 300 hundred + people, and then leave my parents/family to deal with the aftermath. Ideally it shouldn't be a problem, but also I know transphobia.
halp!
- Music:rissette-You
At least I had a productive study day, buoyed up by my Lumie light upstairs. My M150 TMA 01 proof read and submished, and then four study session's worth of T175 work completed to schedule. My word-count-fu is improving too, with a first draft of an answer requiring 200 - 250 words clocking in at 229.
In iphone news, I took advantage of a 59p sale to snaffle Ground Effect - a Wipeout style hovercraft racing game and Beneath a Steel Sky Remixed, the venerable point and click adventure with Dave Gibbons artwork. I've only had a brief go on them, but I can confidently say that it was money well spent in both cases.
Believing in something with no evidence and making a virtue of credulousness. Dressing up in silly costumes and swanning about in gilded palaces or hi-tech glass cathedrals whilst espousing the moral benefits of poverty. Insisting that the world is only 6000 years old in the face of all the evidence. Spotting holy images in a piece of toast or bird shit on a wing mirror. Strapping on explosives and blowing up a restaurant full of innocent people.
OK, maybe the last one isn't quite so funny, but it's the logical and inevitable conclusion of following the tenets of a religion that values a hypothetical afterlife over the value of life in this existence.
That is Bill Maher's argument in this film and it is one that is difficult to argue with. Maher was born to a Jewish mother and went to a Catholic church with his father until the age of thirteen, and wrestled with the usual questions about life, the universe and everything in his twenties. Now in his forties he sets out from a position of doubt to look at the claims of the three major world religions as well as a couple of minor ones including Mormonism and Scientology, not forgetting a church founded by pot smokers in Amsterdam.
Rather worryingly he finds that very few of the people he talks to know what is the holy books they claim to believe in, and points out the contradictions via handy on-screen subtitles. Even more worryingly he finds a common thread of destructive violence in complete contrast to the protestations of being religions of peace.
His conclusion is a stark one. Unless we abandon these foolish and childish beliefs, then there is a very real possibility of the human race destroying itself in an argument over who has the best imaginary friend.
Oh, and if anyone still thinks that religions are peaceful forces for good, please read this article and tell me if you still think the same.
I was also hoping to find others nearby where I live, which is Albuquerque New Mexico. Its the middle of no where out here though lol. I feel alone out here, but of course I don't get out much either. I guess thats not true though I go to college and a full time job so I get out a lot. I'm really shy though, so it hinders me from being socialable lol even online. Thats why im here though support and friends to talk to who would understand and not discriminate. Hopefully there are a few of you nearby where I live as well. ^-^
- Location:United States, New Mexico, Albuquerque
- Mood:
confused - Music:Cradle of Filth
Sometimes it helps just to step back and look at things.
Back in June this year I was hoping that by now I’d be pretty much recovered from my surgery in July, that maybe I’d have found a new job (or some consultancy), that perhaps we’d have found somewhere new to live and that life would be returning to normality ( whatever that is).
It’s now 1 month and 1 day since I was wheeled back from theatre for the 2nd time, this time to put right a prolapse that was there as the pack came out. At the risk of squicking out the transmen (apologies), the dissolving stitches are doing just that now, the haematoma I got into the bargain is still there but significantly reduced, and everything is looking good. It’s how I imagined it would look and I’m very pleased with the result. I actually have difficulty remembering how things were before, not that I want to you understand – but sometimes when I get an itch …. I can place where the itch would have been and I have to try to work out where it is now. Given that some bits are fairly raw still I don’t want to randomly scratch bits, so this can be frustrating if funny.
On the job front, I’m starting a software company with an ex-colleague – and will be looking for development agency grant money soon. I guess it’s fairly normal for us to be either unemployed, self employed or employed a few levels back from our ability. I guess by the end of this year I’ll have done all three.
After my divorce I came out with some money, and as Stacy is working we are buying a house. I’ve been in this small 2 bed semi for 2 years, Stacy has been here with me for 1 year now- how did that pass so quickly? We have way too much stuff, too many books, too many computers, too many clothes, and in my case too many cars. Speaking of cars, I just sold one of them, the buyer is yet to collect it so the neighbours are puzzled as to why it’s still there. I swapped back to the newer one, but it has a few faults induced by standing for a year that I need to work through – when I’m well enough – hey who needs a speedo anyway – I can work it out from the tacho. It’ll be lovely to set up a proper home with Stacy.
I’m still delighted by the freedom that I have to express myself. No more concerned frowns at my non-conformity to gender expectations, no more pleadings to consider having my breasts removed (yes really), no more anxious glances at the barbers and comments about losing my job if my hair is too long, no more threats to cut my fingernails/hair whilst I’m asleep. Yesterday I went back to the salon to have my highlights done.
Weight continues to be a problem. For surgery I lost a lot of weight – both times, but immediately post op I found myself eating too much and unable to exercise – well for 4 months I was unable to walk properly actually let alone exercise. When we’re settled in the new place we’re thinking of getting a border collie, she’ll give me a reason to go for long walks in the country again. When I was married we had a dog and it always fell to me to walk her - Maybe this time I won’t spend the walks just thinking about my gender identity. Frustratingly I was down to size 14 (skirt) and 16 (top), but I’m on the edge of 16/16 at the moment – it’s really stupid of me, but if you’ve experienced changes in HRT you’ll know what I’ve been going through.
So many people I know are either pregnant, have just had a baby or are trying for one. I’m so pleased for them and say so all the time, but I feel the .. I was going to say tinge but I thing Stab is more appropriate – I feel the stab of regret that I can’t have my own baby. I saw a headline about ‘uterus transplants in humans within 2 years’, but I saw something similar a few years ago. I’ll be 41 in a few months, it seems that the ticks of the biological clock are loud and clear even though there’s nothing I can do about it. With all the things I’ve been through, this is the one thing that is guaranteed to make me cry.
The other day I didn’t take one of my anti-depressants for some hours - the blister pack was finished and I forgot to get a new one (doh). It wasn’t until the next day that I was affected. Maybe some time next year I’ll be able to become less medically dependant. I’ve reduced my daily pill intake significantly already, but I’m still on 4 different medications – not including pain killers. I can see that it should be possible to get down to 3 early in the new year and maybe down to 2 by mid 2010 all things going well.
This afternoon I’m off to the laser clinic to have one more of the set of 8 sessions that I pre-bought when I was employed (and had the cash to do such things), it’s been 6 months since my last laser session and I think I need it. I must exfoliate to make sure the hairs are visible.
I’m dreading xmyth shopping. My kids presented me with their xmyth lists, I’m not sure they understand what unemployed means. Oh well, I’ll get the things they want most and do what every other parent does for the other stuff. Stacy and I had agreed that we wouldn’t observe Christmas, both being atheists, but the people around us have other ideas. So we’ll celebrate being with them and they can celebrate whatever they want, we’ll even put up a tree and eat and drink too much – oh wait….
Looking back on 2009, it was a difficult year full of worries, difficulties, joy, despair, rejection, abandonment, support, encouragement, insults, abuse, fulfillment, happiness, terrible sadness, acceptance, kindness and compassion.
Both the positives and negatives came from unexpected places.
There’s one thing you can say for transition, you’ll never be short of emotion.
Ok it’s not even December yet, but I’m really looking forward to 2010.
I’m off outside now to put the ‘just re-built’ window lift mechanism back in my car – it’ll be so nice to have a window that goes up and down rather than down and down further followed by irretrievably down inside the door down. I would have paid someone to do it, but they wanted >£400, so I did it myself. There are advantages to having an engineering background.
Rebecca
Just posting a link to my YouTube Channel and first 'on T' vlog, to record my transition on nebido.
Nebido still seems to be a little uncommon, especially for people only just started on T, so it'll be great if this is at all helpful to anyone.
I'll be attempting to make a new vlog every monday or so from now on.
Channel: http://www.youtube.com/user/TheTransNat
(You can find past, pre-T videos there, all transition-related)
First Vlog: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PSku
[X-posted all over the place]
I’m FTM trans-identified and plan to start hormones sometime within the next few months. My job circumstances are a little different than some, in that I’m not working in close contact with a boss or co-workers. I teach music at 2 small studios and have very little interaction with the store owners and co-workers—I say hello when I come in, pay a studio fee before I leave, and that’s about it.
I currently pass *none* and suspect it will take several months on hormones before I even reach the grey area. At this point, how others address me is a non-issue—I am keeping my first name, which is unisex, and I really don’t care what pronouns they use.
Given both the non-passing and the limited interaction with others at the studio, I’ve debated whether to say anything at all.
However, my contact with students—about half of whom are young children—*is* close, and at some point, the physical changes such as voice drop will be obvious and questions are bound to come up. To speak to each student in advance seems to be going overboard, but to say nothing at all could lead to an awkward, confrontational situation later on.
I want to take whatever precautions I can to make this go as smoothly as possible, but I also don’t want to create an unnecessarily awkward, uncomfortable environment for the students.
Any suggestions are appreciated.
This year there are over a hundred that we know of, two in South East England within the last few weeks alone. That's 1 transgender person murdered every 3 days, that we know of. Considering how few of us there are as a proportion of the global population, this amounts to wholesale slaughter of trans people.
And the numbers seem to keep increasing. It's doubled since last year.
Vigils are held around the World. Tomorrow we will be holding one in London. If you can't make it along to one, please do consider taking a few minutes to watch this video:
Thank you.
Originally posted at http://auntysarah.dreamwidth.org/21
So my road test of this virus, what does it do and is it a good idea to avoid it or not? If you can't afford colon hydrotherapy and do not mind the horror of bringing up your lunch from as far down as your knees then this is the way for you to clean out that gastric tract and start again. You will fell queasy for days after which will save even more money on the cost of meals and probably help you drop a pound or so in weight. the down side is that you will lack energy, ache all over and find it difficult to sleep but be too exhausted to utilise the extra waking hours. You will have to be scrupulously clean to avoid passing on this highly contagious bug or suffer the scorn and hatred of friends and family.
So for efficiency in causing pain and suffering I award this bug *****
As a good excuse for a few days off work I am afraid I cannot award any.
Got that on saturday at a party with enough doctors to staff a small hospital so I guess a small hospital has been without staff this week! at least I queue jumped and asked a consultant I knew about a red lump which had just appeared and did not seem to be responding to treatment, his diagnosis- ooooooH that's nasty, it will probably swell up and explode! while distracted with something else that is exactly what it did, so much for inert lumps. Egyptians had seven plagues i seem to remember so only five to go.
One good moment this week when the health clinic nurse pulled out the stitches from last week's wee lump removal she saw me off with " there you go pet " which is not the sort of endearment I used to get and cheered me no end.
.
.
Profile
- suzyscottdotcom
- Suzy Scott
- My homepage
Page Summary
- auntysarah : Facing Fear [+13]
![[info]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/community.gif)
political_macro :: snarky_devil3 : (no subject) [+11] - thebustocrookes : Salmon City Crew (Fear And Loathing in Longforgan) [+62]
- thermalsatsuma : Sunday Links [+0]
- cat_macros :: zfiledh : (no subject) [+2]
- transgender :: quixotic_crust : introduction and question about going to funerals. [+12]
- shullie : listening to "Alanis Morissette - You Learn" on Blip [+1]
- shullie : listening to "Alanis Morissette - Uninvited" on Blip [+0]
- thermalsatsuma : Set phasers to 'snooze' [+1]
- shullie : listening to "Alanis Morissette-You Oughta Know" on Blip [+2]
- thermalsatsuma : Fog Bound [+3]
- thermalsatsuma : Religulous [+5]
- transgender :: nobodyspcl00 : I'm new to this community. [+15]
- beckyrachel : (no subject) [+0]
- transgender :: nathan_dorian : (no subject) [+0]
- cat_macros :: zfiledh : (no subject) [+5]
- transgender :: didianebedeau : come out as trans to students? [+3]
- auntysarah : Transgender Day of Remembrance [+2]
- carolinetoo : unaccustomed as I am to suffering [+0]
- thermalsatsuma : Snakes on a Podcast! [+0]